Losing him opened up a completely different world for me and FORCED me to consider things that have never crossed my mind before this event.
As much as I advocate for self-expression, I have always had a problem doing this myself. When I tend to feel an emotion, unfortunately, it’s usually completely over the top and I let that emotion overwhelm me. This means when I’m happy I’m insanely happy and when I’m sad I’m extremely sad. When I’m sad I’ll sit in a lonely room, listen to music that makes me even sadder, and cry profusely. On the contrast when I’m happy I’m usually overwhelmed with the feeling of happiness. I go outside sit in the grass, soak up the sun and enjoy that moment of happiness.
I always embrace my feelings, but the problem with this is I sometimes can’t explain or express why I feel that particular emotion or can’t address what is causing me to feel that way; I just know in that moment that’s how I feel.
I have always been happy and ‘peachy’ just like mom & dad. I’ll be the first to say, sometimes it’s overwhelming to always be the jolly person people view me as or want me to be. My dad was the life of every space he stepped into, and I get it honestly. We have the ability to bring out the liveliness and joy in others, but what about us? We both did a lot of suppressing and still do.
After my father died, I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but I was a mess.
Every time I was alone I’d cry and cry but I wasn’t feeling better. I began to take out this anger and sadness and confusion out on my loved ones and I didn’t know why. I thought I just had to “cry and get it all out” but it wasn’t enough because my mental is still unsettled; still disturbed.
I’ve been a strong advocate of having downtime so one can use that time to self-reflect, but how are you really utilizing that time? For example, when sitting in room lonely and sad I may feel better after a good cry, but what am I crying about, and what did I solve? I personally can cry and be expressive in that moment and still may not be able to pinpoint exactly what it is I’m crying for.
After a couple of discussions with my best friends this is what I’ve discovered:
Downtime is just a stage one.
Creating a time and a space is definitely an important step but in order to find balance and peace, you have to think and solve, not just feel. Feeling will give you an idea of what you should think about, but being in that space and letting your emotions overwhelm you without some sort of critical thinking or thought process operating is not the best way to utilize this time.
Be receptive of yourself
There are times when I see something that will trigger an emotion or a memory which will bring back those “unwanted feelings.” This can be a good thing, because those feelings may not have been fully dealt with yet, and that’s okay. Don’t just be sad or be angry, or even happy. What about that situation makes you feel the way you do?
This exercise can be used to explore yourself a little more.
As mentioned before Downtime has helped me a lot, but I understand now that that’s literally only half of the battle. I am also working on being more thoughtful 🙂
What do you do it solitude? What helps you? Please share!
Forever Daddy’s Princess