The Creation of My Self Awareness Journey Part 2; Losing My Father

Losing him opened up a completely different world for me and FORCED me to consider things that have never crossed my mind before this event.

As much as I advocate for self-expression, I have always had a problem doing this myself. When I tend to feel an emotion, unfortunately, it’s usually completely over the top and I let that emotion overwhelm me. This means when I’m happy I’m insanely happy and when I’m sad I’m extremely sad. When I’m sad I’ll sit in a lonely room, listen to music that makes me even sadder, and cry profusely. On the contrast when I’m happy I’m usually overwhelmed with the feeling of happiness. I go outside sit in the grass, soak up the sun and enjoy that moment of happiness.

I always embrace my feelings, but the problem with this is I sometimes can’t explain or express why I feel that particular emotion or can’t address what is causing me to feel that way; I just know in that moment that’s how I feel.

I have always been happy and ‘peachy’ just like mom & dad. I’ll be the first to say, sometimes it’s overwhelming to always be the jolly person people view me as or want me to be. My dad was the life of every space he stepped into, and I get it honestly. We have the ability to bring out the liveliness and joy in others, but what about us? We both did a lot of suppressing and still do.

After my father died, I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but I was a mess.

Every time I was alone I’d cry and cry but I wasn’t feeling better. I began to take out this anger and sadness and confusion out on my loved ones and I didn’t know why. I thought I just had to “cry and get it all out” but it wasn’t enough because my mental is still unsettled; still disturbed.


I’ve been a strong advocate of having downtime so one can use that time to self-reflect, but how are you really utilizing that time? For example, when sitting in room lonely and sad I may feel better after a good cry, but what am I crying about, and what did I solve? I personally can cry and be expressive in that moment and still may not be able to pinpoint exactly what it is I’m crying for.

After a couple of discussions with my best friends this is what I’ve discovered:

Downtime is just a stage one.

Creating a time and a space is definitely an important step but in order to find balance and peace, you have to think and solve, not just feel. Feeling will give you an idea of what you should think about, but being in that space and letting your emotions overwhelm you without some sort of critical thinking or thought process operating is not the best way to utilize this time.

Be receptive of yourself

There are times when I see something that will trigger an emotion or a memory which will bring back those “unwanted feelings.” This can be a good thing, because those feelings may not have been fully dealt with yet, and that’s okay. Don’t just be sad or be angry, or even happy. What about that situation makes you feel the way you do?

This exercise can be used to explore yourself a little more.

As mentioned before Downtime has helped me a lot, but I understand now that that’s literally only half of the battle. I am also working on being more thoughtful 🙂

What do you do it solitude? What helps you? Please share!


Forever Daddy’s Princess 

Diego PH

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14 Replies to “The Creation of My Self Awareness Journey Part 2; Losing My Father”

  1. When am down,i just try as much as I can to encourage myself with the word of God first,then I try to do some stuff that makes me happy and also be around the people that I love.

    1. Yes, I completely agree. I have definitely been trying to do the same. Though I will say, it has been a challenge to stay strong when people are telling me that God is the one that took my father away 🙁

      1. Thanks for sharing this, Maddy, even tho it was hard for you to do. Loving and praying for you. It is hard to understand why God allows our loved ones to pass at the times they do–hard to wrap your mind around it when the timing just doesn’t make any sense to us. But knowing what a loving God and Father He is, we can trust that He knows best, even if it doesn’t make sense to our minds or hearts. And He understands how we feel…and He loves us …and helps us to grieve …and to go on. Be encouraged in feeling however you need to feel as you grieve. You are loved!

  2. My condolences. Stay strong, ok? Thanks for the advice. Its very helpful for those who are having a hard time in life.

  3. Beautiful post. I find that writing things in a journal, going for a walk and meditating give me solace, but also open up the different layers or emotions. They allow me to fully accept what it is I am experiencing and process it in a safe way. I also speak to people around me which helps me, especially when the person is a skilled listener and asks questions about the things I share.

    1. Longer than it should have. Trying to stay focused to complete this was soooo challenging! But I definitely feel a sense of accomplishment completing this. Thank you so much for reading 🙂

  4. Sending you my condolences <3 this was a beautiful post. Meditating lately has been giving me a sense of solitude and mindfulness. I downloaded an app called "Calm" and even though they are only 10 minute practices, I feel a huge shift in my day xo

    1. Thank you so much for reading. I will definitely have to try out this app! I need to work out setting some time aside, and I think this app will help! 🙂 Thanks for sharing this!

  5. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, but I do know what it’s like to lose someone you love dearly. It gets easier, I promise. You will never stop missing him, but keep living for him and keep his memory alive, always.

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